It his been a year. What is wrong with me?!
So much for the whole "one blog a week" thing.
I have a lot of updating to do. A lot of boring and tedious updating.
I mean, who really wants to read all the tid bits.
So here's the bottom line.
I have been in a happy, healthy relationship for ALMOST a year now. Next Monday is our one year! I am so excited to have reached this mile stone with him. Him? His name is Daniel. He's the kinda guy you can't stop bragging about being yours. He's so amazing.
We have gone through this year journey together. A very important journey. He has never been a parent, and he kinda had to learn a few things along the way. And I had to learn to trust him, because I gained trust issues from my past experiences. I think I can say I am 100% safe in Daniel's hands.
I have accomplished a lot of schooling. Schooling that I may be recently starting to regret. I feel like I've lost my mind. I'm not sure if I want to be doing this anymore. I'm hoping I live through this small pit of discouragement and continue forward in the major.
It's late at night when I decided to write this post. So I'm incredibly tired. Maybe I can get back into this.
So you're feeling a bit lonely since the breakup, are you? You crave the warmth of your ex's body snuggled against yours. You want to watch that Netflix show only if they can watch it with you. You want to prove you are completely capable of moving on and living without them, so you take up yoga and running, but most days you look like crap and are in bed crying your eyes out. You have binged watched the only Netflix shows that don't remind you of them. You are blowing up your friends' phone with "PLEASE COME BE WITH ME" but they have lives and can't. So you do the thing you are not supposed to do. YOU MESSAGE YOUR EX. -que horror music-
One scenario that can come of this is that maybe your ex is feeling lonely too and you end up in bed crying together and maybe work things out. Or maybe even after all the crying and breakup sex you are stuck regretting your actions because your ex just wanted some and you let him get it.
Another scenario....NO WORD FROM YOUR EX and now you're regretful and delete that number (even though it's memorized) and throw your phone to check it five hours later hoping maybe they were just busy only for days to go by without any word.
WHAT TO DO: and it's not easy
More than likely, after a breakup, one of you is going to move on more quickly. It obviously wasn't you if you're reading this.
ACCEPT YOUR NEW LIFE:
The hard part is accepting the new you. I know as a Catholic woman, I feel hopelessness. I have a desire to be a mother, have a husband, and be a wife. I have a high standards for the man I want, but I feel as if I will never obtain that now as a single mother. This want for a family lead me to make bad decisions, such as going back and hoping that things could workout, only to find that they won't. But the future looks rocky and hopeless. And the only thing I can do to keep my integrity is to keep walking the road God paved for me. This is my place, and God will provide. I have accepted that I am a single mother, my family isn't perfect, and that I don't know for a fact that my future is really as fated as I have imagined.
Apart from my personal jeopardies, everyone's breakups and experiences are different. Not one of us can equally relate to each other's pain. But acceptance is always the best start, along with not worrying about the future. You will find someone else if that's what you want. You will be amazing on your own. You will be fine no matter how the future turns out. (My constant pep talk)
*cures the fear of uncertainty
DON'T REBOUND (without honesty):
Another thing is to not go running to other guys to distract yourself. If you are planning on choosing this course, do remember that no relationship can thrive off another. The energy fueling rebound partners is usually resentment and anger towards an ex. Guilt will kick in once you realize that this person is actually great...and this person could learn to resent you as well, knowing full well they are a rebound, and therefore will have little want to be faithful or take the relationship seriously. So don't be hurt when the relationship ends in tears or doesn't last very long. This can only cause more self hate and hurt.
If you seriously like someone, then give yourself time to grow before jumping into anything. I personally didn't date or try. I did like a guy, but luckily he rejected me because, now that my head is a bit more strait, I'm SOOOO not ready to be in a relationship, and it's been over a year. People have their own times from bouncing back, but as a mother I feel uneasy with any other guy being around my daughter, still do. I also want to focus more on my faith and learning to provide for my daughter singularly.
It's easy to fall into the "seeking love" trap, because having someone love you when you hate yourself helps you feel good. But do you really want the only form of self love you have to be from someone else? This also comes with dependence which I mention further down.
*cures naivety
KNOW YOURSELF:
You gotta know your self worth and focus on you and cry. You gotta embrace the sad feelings and the loneliness until you realize you are not lonely and that you are content with yourself. It hurts. You feel pathetic. You might cry because you're still pathetic 6 months later. You will hate yourself, and that's ok, because you learn that YOU are awesome. And that's all that really matters. You don't need anyone's approval to be you. You don't need anyone to be impressed. You don't need compliments.
You may not trust yourself when you say "I AM WORTHY AND I APPROVE!" at first, but eventually, when you see how many people really do like you for you without you trying (cause let's face it, right now you're a miserable slob), you will come to see that it's true. Just because some people turn away from you and don't see your worth, doesn't mean you don't have any worth at all. Ignore the haters and love the lovers!
*cures self hate
DON'T DEPEND ON OTHER'S FOR HAPPINESS:
Attaching feelings to people is never good. You are not the center of anyone's universe except yours. No one is obligated to feel bad an give you grievance. You are not entitled no matter how much pain you have suffered through. I know you feel like you deserve happiness and deserve love, but that is not your call. You cannot make people do anything. It's out of your control and will ultimately lead to disappointment. You gotta fight this battle on your own and what gifts of love you receive should be taken with thankfulness. Love is a gift from God. Don't seek it out, but don't turn a blind eye when it comes.
*cures arrogance
FEELINGS ARE TEMPORARY:
It's human nature to want people to like you, and it throws us off course when someone doesn't love us, especially when you have loved yourself. This person, so close to you, doesn't love you like they said they did. They left you in a terrible situation called heartbreak, while you loved them, and now hate yourself, because something must be wrong with you, right? The funny thing is, it's ok to love them still (you don't have to hate someone just because they don't return the same passionate feelings) and it's ok to continue loving yourself. Loving yourself, again, is hard during this situation. During your journey to love and accept yourself again, don't try to force your ex to remember and catch feelings again. Feelings are temporary and their isn't anything to prove from them loving you, especially if you have to continually make sure they still do. It's not very loving to make someone a slave to their feelings, just as you hate being a slave to yours. It's not their fault you have feelings, so don't get angry at them for not returning them. They didn't cause you to have feelings (unless you're in a narcissistic relationship, which is filled with emotional abuse, which is exactly what needs to be avoided) so just calm down. Remember your feelings will fade with distance and time. They are only temporary.
*cures emotional attachment
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The best thing to do is to occupy yourself while you learn to love and acceptyourself.
When my ex and I separated, I was constantly on the go. I wrote my day down to the tee. I had what time I would wake up, shower, eat, dress the baby, bathe the baby, do laundry, etc...it was all written and I challenged myself to have it all done on time. I went places. I hung out with friends. If I had an urge to text, I texted someone else or no one at all.
It wasn't easy. I had to focus my time 100%, because if not, I was texting him. If I drank a little too much, I was texting him. So I had to focus. And I failed multiple times. Like you will.
I even got Tinder, and never talk to anyone more than a few minutes and deleted the app multiple times as I struggled with my self worth. Do I really have to stoop that low?
Focus on you you you. And if you have a kid, focus on you and your baby/ies! You have this. You got this in your palm. There is a reason it's just you now (and please don't blame yourself-but you will). You can now look at everything and find pieces of you that you missed out on and pieces of you that still need to be put together. You got this whole world now! God bless!
I have all these pending post I have been writing but I'm so afraid to post them. I'm afraid it's too personal or too...much? I don't know. I know talking about these silly little life things can get a bit boring because people can relate on a very boring level. People would rather like to relate on a very dramatic level. Things that push our buttons or tickle our fancies...or give us juice on the latest gossip.
I actually don't enjoy gossip.
Or providing material for gossip.
I'm no saint. But private matters are usually between me and my close friends.
And I may be naive enough to trust people way more than I should.
Anyways, this all has to deal with the fact that I don't know if I should post the things I have written.
If you didn't notice, I disappeared for the month of June. I was in summer school and all I could think about was trig and stats. I learned so much Greek, you guys, and talk about ROUGH nightmares-I woke up at least once every night multiplying and doing formulas or repeating the Unit Circle (which I constantly called the Unit Square in class like the idiot I am. Sighhhhhhhhh)
Since I'm at work at the momento...
This post will simply be an update.
I joined a Mom's group. I joined a Bible study group. I made a B in Statistics. I read almost two books. Watched a show. Made new friends. And I feel like I progressed as a human being in a lot of ways. I think it's fair to say, June grew me.
I don't know what I made in Trig yet because grades have not been posted and our teacher was not nice enough to give us our grade. 😫 I'm worried. Like REALLY worried. I know some people may saw "You made a B in Stats! You have nothing to worry about!" but yo...Trig was tough. I sorta regret having to have to take it in the summer (this wasn't my fault entirely, but had I done better at ULM back in 2011, this wouldn't have had to be an issue).
The book I read was "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson.
This book was amazing! I read it in a week. It had a nice and easy flow, and he pretty much told you everything you needed to know without being complicated or talking like a know-it-all or a philosophical guru.
A snippet of information the book taught is....
We all have values (good and/or bad) and these values are what set off our emotions. Normally when someone goes against one of our values we get huffy and puffy and blame the other person for not following our value...but not everyone has the same values. What we need to do is assess these values and figure out why we have certain ones and get rid of the bad ones.
Pretty simple.
I'll talk more about it later because I found this to be a very good topic for discussion.
I bet you're wondering "Mikaylaeras, if you were in school for 6 hours a day and worked and study and was a momma, how on earth did you have the free time to read and watch stuff and join church groups?"
Maybe you're not wondering, but I am..
Honestly, I have no clue how I toggled it all. Maybe it's because I limited myself to only 3 outside friends the whole month of June. And I only interacted with them maybe once a week. I also watched and read in spurts. I did the whole a-little-before-class and a-little-before-bed and somehow I was able to accumulate much unnecessary progress. I'm proud of myself for making it. Talk about a heckova month.
There are a couple of things that I think I'll write about soon. Be patient with me. I'm still getting over June: catching up with friends and family. Getting out of school on a holiday weekend made having me time not possible. I haven't been home home in SOO long. I cannot wait to just watch netflix all on my own, not worrying about being a mommy or grades and just PJing the day away...until I lose my mind from not moving enough and go for a run. Hehe
Summer school is 4 days away. I'm kinda excited to be overly busy but at the same time, this break has been pretty nice. After thinking long and hard I decided to take Trig and Stats at the same time over the summer so I don't have to worry about taking Stats with Chem and Cal. Doing this also put me ahead of the game and I should be graduated from Delta by spring! Holy cow! That was quick! I just have to be sure to be super studious and pass everything! *pressure*
I also got a new phone. This happened yesterday. This happened because my stupid iPhone broke. I didn't even have the dang thing a year. It just stopped responding to touch. Completely. And it's possessed. Like it does this thing where it decides what I'll be clicking on and looking at and what apps I'll be using and when I'm using my camera. Like how does it even get that bad!? I paid so much for that phone to not have it a year. Like for real. I even fixed it once for it to brake like 2 weeks later. SOOO, I wanted to get another iPhone but Mother (who thankfully allows me on her family plan) said if I get a new phone it must be paid in full and I must also pay off my iPhone completely. I can't argue with that, she wants to knock her bill down, word. So I paid the last bit on it (not very much because I paid most of it off already), kissed my iWatch farewell, as I can't use it anymore, and bought an unlock phone. A phone 300 bucks cheaper than the iPhone. The Sony Xperia A1. BUM BUM BUM!
So far I really like it. Granted, it's only been a day. But I fixed it up to be customized to my liking and I'm actually very impressed with everything. It has a 23mp camera which is SUPER impressive. I don't really get the kinks of it yet, but I love the Xeperia experience so far. It's weird having a phone I can make custom to me. I still miss my watch though. I dunno if I wanna sell it or wait and see if I will eventually get the money to get another iPhone again one day. I'm sure by then my watch won't even sync to the newer iPhones. Oh Apple. I've had 3 new phones in this past year. It's kinda terrible. I think I should've stuck with my blackberry. It was classic (blackberry joke). Hopefully this Sony works. I've always wanted a Sony phone since the Walkman was a thing. It was my favorite phone ever. The only phone that took great pictures, had decent audio, and texting was good. It also slid and looked cool and fit in a pocket beautifully. Good ol' keyboard days. I have a feeling I will fall absolutely in love with this phone and I will continue with the Sony series from here on out. Good thing now is...that can be whenever I feel like it since I don't have a contract! WOOT WOOT!
One of my coworkers wrote to in the contest Letters About Literature and wrote this amazing letter to the author she chose to write to. Her letter was super inspirational and really touches me in areas. I dunno if I cried out of joy for her or if I cried because I could empathize with the pain she felt and the break through she had. Or all of it!
I love how she says that she was able to see she could be all the things that made her amazing at once without having to be accepted by others. She was able to overcome the feeling of guilty and letting others down for not being what they needed her to be and to just grow so much from it. It's amazing that the books touched her so much. This is pure proof that books can have an amazing effect on people. That people have a major effect on people. It also shows that one person's talent to write and persevere through writing a series helped another feel free. Now this girl's words will be read by not only the author but by so many other people and it will touch them like it touched me. It's a chain effect. A beautiful one at that.
I know my last post was a bit vague and short, but I was limited on time. I didn't realize I was limited until last minute. I mentioned how I was hungry...a friend called me up and invited me out to eat as soon as that sentence happened. Who can blame me for pressing post and running out the door? When I got back I had to adult (do laundry to make up the bed so my daughter and I could go to bed).
Now that I'm out of school and have some incredible down time until Summer Session begins, I decided to write a little and work on this blog a bit more.
Ok, so Saturday was kinda insane and amazing. I mentioned three of my best friends graduating. I was going to add a picture to the post of two of them, but I'm still working out some kinks with that (mostly, I'm too lazy to just email pictures to myself...I'm trying to link them instead). I love that they all graduated at one time, so now I have no more graduations to go to until mine. Jen and Tyler started at ULM at the same time and both took breaks at different times. They graduated together (with me) in high school, and now they graduated from the SAME COLLEGE at the SAME TIME. It's fate.
I felt chills as I stood there and watched everyone graduate. Something about large crowds like that make me incredibly happy. I tear up. This even happens at 4th of July events and such...it's sorta embarrassing. I just love seeing everyone gathered together celebrating significant things. Like, we're all thinking in unity and happy for each other. It's overwhelming, that amount of joy in one location.
Enough being a sentimental baby...
I was only able to find two of the three after everyone was outside of the coliseum, which was Jen and Tyler. I was so happy for them. I can't say it enough.
Afterwards, I went to Jen's party. There, I had some orchada (excuse my spelling) and flan. Oh and the most amazing main course ever! It was all pretty fun. Jen's husband and I raced up his parents backyard wall. I got slightly injured on the way up and humbly took second place. Mitch received a slightly worse injury than me. That is a nice lesson...sometimes being the best means getting hurt the most. Maybe that can be placed in some perspective...hmmm?
Anywhowhatassss....I have a ton more to talk about, but I need to learn to open up a bit more for you, my readers. I get a bit cautious with the real feels.
