This is going to be funny because lately I've been obsessed with OCD.😹
The reason I'm talking about this interesting fact about myself is because people don't really know what OCD is all about, nor do people realize how much OCD affects the lives of those who, I won't say suffer from, but who have it.
I have OCD.
No...stop...no...I do not wash my hands a million times or keep things orderly. My OCD is completely different. Although, depending on certain circumstances I may fall into those compulsions. Most of my it takes place in my noggin. I don't always realize what I'm doing is a compulsion, and sometimes when I do realize them, I feel like a failure. Which happens to be part of this whole shendig.
A book I'm reading about a girl who has the same OCD as me actually quoted it just right. So here is what she stated.
"I'm more obsessive than compulsive, so most of of the 'disorder' takes place in my own head. That makes it pretty easy to hide. No one knows. But I obsess about a lot of things, like guys and my friends and totally random stuff....I sort of latch on to a thought and I can't let it go. Sometimes the thoughts come rapid-fire and cause an anxiety attack."
You: all that seems normal Mikaylasha
I wouldn't know what you would actually say because I have OCD so all that is pretty much normal to me anyways. But maybe I should explain further.
These thoughts can affect my life and relationships.
Gosh, I remember the last major OCD attack I had was a few years ago. I actually feel crazy talking about it, but I cried EVERYDAY and had major panic attacks. It took me awhile to bounce back and let the thought go. It took a life changing event to let it go. My little rituals or compulsions to make sure this doesn't happen again include covering up certain words, not touching items with these words, not watch movies or shows with these words.
WORDS
So, can you imagine how weird that is to suddenly drop all those type of things because of a thought I obsessed over a few years ago. To me, it's the only way to keep it away.
That, my dear readers, is only ONE of many OCD rituals I have.
A lot of my OCD cause personality quirks. And I like to think of them as quirks.
I don't like physical touch unless it's truly intimate and I feel a deep connection, otherwise I WILL wash my hands a million times and feel disgusting all day, of course this is for hand holding. Hugging has less of that effect unless skin touches, and I have NO idea why. So if I don't hug you or go out of my way to avoid your fingers...just know it's so I don't end up washing up more than I need too, it is exhausting to feel like I need to wash my hands all day and take two showers, and still feel gross afterwards.
I have an overly high need to explain EVERYTHING....some laugh, some get annoyed...just know it's something I feel like I have to do or I'll go crazy and have a panic attack.
I am VERY morally concerned. I will stay away from most anything that makes me feel morally and ethically objective toward myself or I will lose me.
I tend to stay away from sharp and blunt objects and certain subjects.
I can be quite superstitious.
I am a perfectionist to the point that I'm very hard on myself.
I do tons of checking to make sure everything is ok.
ETC.....!!!!!!! UGHGHUGHHGH
So, yeah, basically my life revolves around this crap.
I can be quite frustrating to be around and have a relationship with.
So I would like to let everyone know, OCD is for real a problem for those who have it. It is unfathomable to people who don't have it. A thought is a thought, and that's all it is, but for us with OCD a thought is more than a thought. The thought has control. A mantra we often say over and over again to ourselves "I am in control. It's just a thought." Medicine cannot heal it, it's a way of thinking. Changing someones way of thinking is not easily done.
If you know someone with OCD or maybe who have similar actions, don't ridicule them, they're already having a hard time with themselves, they don't need someone else to bring them down.
I've learned to accept it for the most part. And my friends and family have to accept it too. It's a part of who I am. I've worked hard to make sure I have control over it, because ultimately I am in control, these thoughts don't always hinder me. I feel an overwhelming sense of pride when I show a thought who's boss. I have a very mild case of OCD and sometimes I forget it's there. But in situations where I'm awfully stressed...OCD *ominous music plays*
I've been highly stressed this whole past year. I decided to obsess over OCD itself just to learn more about it and find other ways to cope.
Ways to cope include staying busy and focused on task at hand. For me it's writing and crafting and reading and schooling and youtube. My daughter helps a lot too.
In any case, this is temporary for some people, and maybe once these hard times are over....maybe I'll never worry about it again
More information:
See what happens in the brain of someone with OCD
http://designedthinking.com/ocd/signs-of-ocd/
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/obsessivecompulsivedisorder.aspx
checkout books or google more.
Don't you just hate that title? Isn't that just the worst? You may immediately feel guilty or may immediately feel curious because there is no way you're guilty...right?
This talk is about cheaters, for cheaters.
Listen, cheating is a huge deal that A LOT OF PEOPLE DO.
A LOT. Like seriously, a lot. I have met more couples who have adultery problems than couples who don't, it's actually rare that they don't. And for some reason we always seem surprised when we find out someone has committed this act. Why? Because that person is someone we're supposed to trust, are trusting (or not depending on how the situation currently is), and will always need to trust.
When you're on a team, do you go to the other team and say "hey, these are our plans." NO! You don't. Because that's crazy. Yet this is something that many people do. Why you being mean to your teammate people? If you wanna jump to a new partner every few weeks then date around and just be single, dagom it. It's truly not that hard. And if breaking up is an issue...GET OVER IT. Break ups suck. That will never change. Just be all "I want to see other people, you were great (or weren't) and I would like to try and be friends but I understand if you don't want to. Thank you for letting me have this time with you."
BAM! Done. Just don't add "right now" or "maybe in the future" crap because that's called "LEADING SOMEONE ON". You don't want to do that neither. Seriously, false hope is agonizing for both parties. And if this person you broke up with says "no" to being friends afterwards, then they either weren't interested in a friendship ever...which kudos to you, you are now 100% free from someone you didn't want to date and someone who didn't want to be your friend....or they need time to heal because they super liked you a bunch, and they deserve that space because its unhealthy for both of you to just ignore those feelings.
Also, never apologize for your feelings. THIS IS FOR EVERYONE. Your feelings are yours and you shouldn't have to ever apologize for feeling a certain way. EVER. It's your life, embrace your feelings and share them with confidence. That's attractive. Just don't be whiney if you do.
Maybe you're one of those people who just really like the thrill cheating brings.
You: "MUAHAAHAA I have a secret that no one knows and I'm a master of deception, FEAR ME!"
Calm down you. No one thinks you're a master of deception and you are honestly just pissing people off. It's not cool to be hateful. It's not cool to be a player. Drama is not cool. But you will probably always feel awesome doing this and nothing I say is going to change how you feel about playing the situation. Just know that you're incredibly lonely, want love, and are destroying all the relationships in your life and will always feel lonely and no one will trust you. I feel bad for you. I'll pray for you. But the first step is accepting you are a loser and need help and need change. Therapy- my dear narcissistic friend. Then you will feel the love you deserve.
WHY YOU TALKING ABOUT DIS MAKYLAKA?
If you want to read, highlight this wide open gap/space.
Because I was reconnecting with someone I knew from a few years ago that I found out was more than single and talking to countless other females and I think that's BS. This guy and I were not talking for intent (at least I wasn't) but his girlfriend and I talked this morning, a very civil conversation, and I decided that this guy is 100% a jerk/butt/a-whole.
Along with this I found rumors about myself that I was unaware were floating around. If you have heard rumors about me, please disregard. I'm sure it's old high school BS, but that's all it was. #HSBS (high school BS).
Another thing, I don't like to associate with Cheater McCheatfaces. I don't care how close of friends we are, I'm not afraid to chew someone out about cheating, or drop someone for doing it. It may not be my business, I don't care. I will not tolerate it.
Hehe
I'm at a very comfortable weight but I'm also borderline to weight I dislike and a weight I want to be at. I'm 123lbs and with food I am typically at 125lbs. My ideal weight would be between 110-120. As you can see, I don't have much to lose.
I'm fairly active, but I don't tend to watch my calories, and some days I don't even move. I run, I do light cardio from time to time if I can find the time between school, work, and being a caring mother, along with doing other things I absolutely love to do...like watch YouTube.
Like I said in my other post, I'm not and never have been very athletic. So, I'm going to stick to running and maybe get a bit tougher on myself with cardio workouts.
My goal here is to cut down on my calories, boost metabolism, and run daily.
To cut down on calories is kinda scary. You can easily mess up your metabolism and slow it down if you aren't doing things right. It's easy to get off track with this balance if you aren't careful. I'm going to also stress that the amount of calories and how you eat to get to your goal weight is supposed to be a life change. Not temporary. Working on your body and health is a daily practice. Don't think you get a free day just because you hit your goal. You have to remember that old habits can come crawling back, so make a new one for life and eventually it won't feel like torture, it'll just be how it is.
This Is My Routine: No one has to do this, it's simply for me.
So to do this I'm going to eat as soon as I feel hungry in the morning. I don't typically get hungry first thing when I wake up, with the exception of a few mornings, and I don't like to eat until I feel my metabolism burning calories. I like to think of this a hunter/gatherer approach, which sounds kinda ridiculous, but bare with me. When our ancestors woke up in the morning they didn't just pour a bowl of cereal and eat. Most of the time they would go out and find food and have it prepared by lunch, likely eating whatever little snacks they had on hand from the day before, food that was easily carried around for hunting and gathering. This might be a super false, but it's a concept I like to go back. I have no real credentials here. I snack in the mornings on maybe some berries or something light and cook lunch as a bigger meal, my first meal of the day...which is still called breakfast for me because it's the first meal of the day. I'm not skipping breakfast, I'm just not eating immediately upon waking up.
What I do in this time period before breakfast is I go for a run on an empty stomach. I run a mile. Running a mile is 10-15 minutes of your day so I highly recommend running at least a mile a day. After running I eat something light and drink a small amount of liquid (not any form of soda) and I will shower. This is where things can get tricky.
If I don't have school in the morning I will use this time to begin preparing breakfast. I don't care what I have for breakfast as long as it's decently healthy. I don't care about my portion size at breakfast neither. I simply cook food and eat as much as I want until I'm full. And full is not overwhelming, full is just simply "I'm not hungry anymore".
If I'm going to school or work in the morning I take something easy for my meal. This for me is usually a Cliff Bar or protein bar of some sort, and if I'm really stressed for time, a plant based protein shake (I used to be vegan/vegetarian and part of the ways still linger with me).
approaching lunch.
SNACK! Snack on berries, nuts, pretzels, animal crackers, regular crackers if you're too adult. Listen to me, this is important. NEVER let yourself feel hungry. I'm not saying down a bag of trailmix, I'm saying eat a few pretzels every 30 minutes or so. When you start feeling the hunger feeling, eat a pretzel or whatever snack. Don't eat a lot. Just eat a little. I normally pack a small baggy of berries or something to snack on. You don't want to be full, you just don't want to be hungry.
lunch! Eat a meal. Smaller than breakfast. Try and be sure it's healthier and does not have as many calories as breakfast. You shouldn't even be that hungry, the snacking should make this super easy. Try to space out lunch and breakfast at least 3 to 4 hours. That sounds killer but it's really doable if you snack. Don't make it any long than 4 hours. Seriously, you're not starving yourself. Be sure to get some cardio in at this time. Take the long route to your car or walk to that place down the road or do your cardio workout. Do things the hard way just to burn the calories.
Ok so...usually this is when it gets hard for me. I don't typically feel any hunger at all after lunch and will usually forget about food until it's too late. You have to remember to keep snacking. Snacking is so important gosh darn it! And in that same time span as before eat dinner/supper. Make sure it's tiny! It must be the smallest meal! It's awful because supper is usually shared with family and friends, but it's important to maintain this routine! After dinner it's time to chill out and not eat anymore.
Get in some last minute cardio once that food settles. Don't go crazy and intense, you've got to be prepared for going to sleep so your blood needs to start slowing its roll.
Important reminder * One binging day is not going to kill you, just don't make it a habit. Your body can work through temporary things just like it can heal a wound. DON'T GIVE UP!
Oh yeah! I'm being illegal. That's funny to say because google is acceptable at work. I guess they don't realize how much access that actually gives us. I wonder if this is being monitored. It is after 6, and most full-time people get off at this time. So...
I'm at work. I work at the Library here in this lovely town. I transferred a few months ago to the library in my home town. If you know me then you know where that is, and if you don't you'll just have to live in assumptions.
I was afraid to transfer here because I was working almost 3 years at the library across town and I was so used to it that I loved the staff and was afraid of having to rebuild bonds in the work place. I actually had a plan while I was pregnant with my daughter that that place would be my final stepping stone and I would make the library my career. I would get my degree in Library Science and be a librarian and succeed my successors. Of course this would be settling. I have this heart for weather but I was willing to give up a dream to make sure my family would have a stable life. The library is a perfect place for someone to work and have a family. It was my coworker who changed my mind. She was all wise and yoda-like asking if I would truly be happy with that decision or if I would regret it later. She told me she could see the fire in my eyes for going back to school for weather.
There's a heck of a lot more to this story...and it's actually the beginning of a lot of change. So moving on...
I am at the library still, and the transfer was a very good thing. It worked perfectly in my favor. I love the new staff I've met. The change was for the better.
~*~
I should mention a few things about last night and my sipping of wine. I actually got a huge tummy ache right after glass one. This is ok. I just passed out listening to Catholic radio instead and slept forever. Yep, I might be becoming too Catholic, what's it to ya?
~*~
There have been really loud children tonight. Screaming and screeching, throwing things. These parents won't pick up the messes...and I'm talking blocks over the place, or quiet their children. Oh, public...the library is not a playground. Now I must pick up after children as if I'm a daycare service. It's not bad, and it gives me something to do, but I do not get paid enough to be a daycare. They get paid so much. Like SO much. That's a business anyone can get rich off of. Unless you're a librarian having to take up the role of daycare...
It's never actually a "new me" it's actually more like..."I had a very powerful moment this weekend and have been enlightened and therefore am changing some of my ways"
I got confirmed into the Catholic Church this past weekend and I feel so wonderful! Journey begins! It was such great feeling to finally partake in the Eucharist. I had such a good Saturday. I had a good weekend.
I'm drinking wine right now. Just ate sushi too. I don't have Isla tonight and no school! Plus I got the house to myself right now.
It's my night though. So here's too the night! *cheers*
I could talk about a lot but right now I really don't feel like talking about a lot. I think I'm just going to chill and watch youtube all night. Maybe read this book I got because I really need to read. I feel restless though, so I probably won't end up reading. I might read when I wake up in the morning. Then go running. Then go to work. It's nice to feel this small amount of freedom.
I paid for my summer class and I got most of my fall schedule figured out. I'm contemplating not working next semester. That's a big decision. I actually have a lot of big decisions to be thinking about. I'm not really happy with all the decisions I need to make. I've been feeling kinda down about it. Nonetheless, this too shall pass, and I will be right where I need to be!
I'm just so thankful for everything. It's so crazy how much I receive that I sometimes don't notice while it's happening. Then I look back on my day and I'm like "Wow...today was actually pretty cool".
With that-I leave you
*sips wine*
It's Good Friday and I'm using this day to do me! I finally finished that literary analysis paper and I'm back to not feeling like something is hanging over my shoulders! So yay!
I attended Mass yesterday at the most beautiful church in Monroe that I've seen so far. It was so beautiful. The service and the building and the people. They did feet washing and a candle ceremony type thing, and really you just would have had to been there to understand.
Anyways, I'm currently cooking Tuna Helper and about to put on some Netflix and chill with myself (no a weird innuendo) . I'm watching 13 Reasons Why. Trying to keep myself dedicated and watch it. I'm officially school, work, and baby free, so there's a lot I want to do before Monday. I can't believe this semester is almost over! This semester was quite easy compared to last semester, but for some reason I found it to be a bit more annoying. Not because of work, but because of the way I decided to lay my classes out. Next semester I have to go to school all week. I might not work while I do that because that will so strain my relationship with Isla. My daughter needs me and I need to be able to focus on school too. I think I'll be ok being jobless, but I will feel very uncomfortable for sure. It's a tough decision because I really like money but I do like my family and future career even more.
I'm so excited about everything. I feel like I'm really acting on my dream. I have so may thanks to so many friends for keeping me encouraged.
The other day I was playing at the Tech rec center with a couple of friends. Friends who happen to be way more athletic than me. I never grew up playing much sports, other than in P.E. against other kids who were not interested or good enough for sports. I was always the best in me P.E. class because my endurance has always been really high and I have a lot of self motivation. I enjoy being active and staying active. I can't stand days just sitting around doing nothing but eating ice cream and watch Gilmore Girls. Not that that's a bad night...it's just not my preferred night. Actually, that Saturday was exactly the kind of day I would like to have all the time. That was a perfect day for me. I never stopped moving and I was so distracted by the amount of activity that I forgot I'm OCD and that I hadn't eaten all day.
See, I was playing with two people who have had experience in sports and games before. I never had opportunities to be involved in things like this. My friends were mostly art students or bandees. In other words...video games, paint, and instruments, with the occasional skating mixed in. So...sports...I didn't play very much of unless I was at slumber parties with the athletic friends.
In short...I lost every game. I still had a ton of fun just playing. I wasn't concerned so much with how well I was doing more than I was with having a good time with it.
After I got home, I was hit with the sudden down of adrenaline. You know, after you had a rush and you get that down afterwards...I realized I wasn't exactly someone people wanted to play with because I didn't provide a challenge. I wasn't bad, but I definitely wasn't that good. I caught on fast, and I could have some real potential with some practice.But the initial feeling of being that person no one wants to play with because I sucked made me cry. It's so embarrassing being that friend.
How do I get better? My town doesn't provide entertainment like that unless I paid ULM or Tech again. I don't have the money for that though. And am I really that bad, because I thought I did well for someone who hadn't ever been athletic.
I spent the night thinking of the things I am good at. I could name a hundred things that I'm good at, but never one I was GREAT at. And why is that? Why am I not great at anything? Why am I just good enough? Why am I ok with being just good enough? Where am I hiding this potential?
The best thing I can do is not let being just enough bother me and to remember that I had a lot of fun with a couple of really great friends who were willing to help me become better. Even though I don't see my own potential going anywhere doesn't mean it isn't. And surely there are many things I'm great at, it's just my inner perfectionist telling me I'm never good enough.
If anyone is feeling a little down about themselves, like they aren't good enough, I need you to know that we are our own worst critics. And after writing this, I think one thing I'm really great with is staying positive. And that gives me an idea for another blog! Bahaha!
-only I'm supposed to be writing a paper.... tehe
(one post a week...psh...I've already done 3 in 24hrs)
Hey there! So this is my very first blog. Lemme start out by saying that I'm not about to make sure my punctuation, grammar, etc. is all correct. I'm merely here to word vomit you through my extraordinary life.
Is my life extraordinary? Not really. I mostly consider it bland, lacking in free-time and sleep.
Introducing the blogger: I'm Mikayla. I'm 24. I have a daughter. I go to school and I work.
I would add in more detail, but I'm not all about giving myself away. So hows-bout we get to some juicy stuff.
I’ve been busy studying.
I study often.
I finished one paper
and got it in today and took the two test I've been dreading. I have one more paper due tomorrow. And I’m now
officially on spring break from school. I have to work 2-5 tomorrow and
will be on break from work until Monday. YAY! I have to go to the DMV and Toyota Dealership tomorrow to take care of some business. And
then I have MASS!
Mass Is what I’m waiting for! I won't talk about that here, but if you're interested, click HERE and read all about my incredible journey in faith. I feel like this is the big change
though! The mere beginning of all new things, and the ending of many others.
Ok. Back to the test.
I think I
did fairly well on my test. I’m a little scared about the Geology test,
because I studied so much for math that I somewhat neglected the geology
part of my studying. I’m just so thankful It’s over that I don’t even
want to look at my notes to see what I got right vs wrong. I just really
hope it’s a high enough score to keep me at an A! I really want an A!
It’ll probably be rough though. A lot of the stuff I was
like….WHAAAAAAAAA so…..prayers.
Delta is a very nice school. I thought I wouldn't care for it to much when I first began going. It seemed so worn down compared to ULM, but honestly, the atmosphere of the school and the relationship between professors and students and the whole student body in general is pretty remarkable compared to what I experienced at ULM. The fact that it's a smaller school, and just one building, allows for people to know a lot of people. I like that I have multiple friends all over the place, so no matter where I am, there's always someone there that I know, and if not...It's easy to make friends. Everyone is so involved it feels. All the events are fun and everyone enjoys participating. It's almost how high school was only everyone is a lot less stressed out about what everyone is doing. It's just fun. And I really have been enjoying my time there.
As much as I'm enjoying my time, I'm excited to get out of there, because then I know I'm a short distance away from being somewhere I've always wanted to be.
That's all I'm going to say about school right now. It's almost time for work and I got to get this posted. Don't be a stranger to me; leave me some feedback. Talk to me!
One last thing. I plan on writing at least one blog a week if not more. I don't have a real structure to this, but I know it's something I'm going to do. Since I'm putting this on my instagram most of my blogs will be focused on pictures that I post. I really enjoy writing and journalling, and maybe you can enjoy reading my blogs. And don't worry, my blog will look way better once I get some time to really get it started! Like during this break!
