So you're feeling a bit lonely since the breakup, are you? You crave the warmth of your ex's body snuggled against yours. You want to watch that Netflix show only if they can watch it with you. You want to prove you are completely capable of moving on and living without them, so you take up yoga and running, but most days you look like crap and are in bed crying your eyes out. You have binged watched the only Netflix shows that don't remind you of them. You are blowing up your friends' phone with "PLEASE COME BE WITH ME" but they have lives and can't. So you do the thing you are not supposed to do. YOU MESSAGE YOUR EX. -que horror music-
One scenario that can come of this is that maybe your ex is feeling lonely too and you end up in bed crying together and maybe work things out. Or maybe even after all the crying and breakup sex you are stuck regretting your actions because your ex just wanted some and you let him get it.
Another scenario....NO WORD FROM YOUR EX and now you're regretful and delete that number (even though it's memorized) and throw your phone to check it five hours later hoping maybe they were just busy only for days to go by without any word.
WHAT TO DO: and it's not easy
More than likely, after a breakup, one of you is going to move on more quickly. It obviously wasn't you if you're reading this.
ACCEPT YOUR NEW LIFE:
The hard part is accepting the new you. I know as a Catholic woman, I feel hopelessness. I have a desire to be a mother, have a husband, and be a wife. I have a high standards for the man I want, but I feel as if I will never obtain that now as a single mother. This want for a family lead me to make bad decisions, such as going back and hoping that things could workout, only to find that they won't. But the future looks rocky and hopeless. And the only thing I can do to keep my integrity is to keep walking the road God paved for me. This is my place, and God will provide. I have accepted that I am a single mother, my family isn't perfect, and that I don't know for a fact that my future is really as fated as I have imagined.
Apart from my personal jeopardies, everyone's breakups and experiences are different. Not one of us can equally relate to each other's pain. But acceptance is always the best start, along with not worrying about the future. You will find someone else if that's what you want. You will be amazing on your own. You will be fine no matter how the future turns out. (My constant pep talk)
*cures the fear of uncertainty
DON'T REBOUND (without honesty):
Another thing is to not go running to other guys to distract yourself. If you are planning on choosing this course, do remember that no relationship can thrive off another. The energy fueling rebound partners is usually resentment and anger towards an ex. Guilt will kick in once you realize that this person is actually great...and this person could learn to resent you as well, knowing full well they are a rebound, and therefore will have little want to be faithful or take the relationship seriously. So don't be hurt when the relationship ends in tears or doesn't last very long. This can only cause more self hate and hurt.
If you seriously like someone, then give yourself time to grow before jumping into anything. I personally didn't date or try. I did like a guy, but luckily he rejected me because, now that my head is a bit more strait, I'm SOOOO not ready to be in a relationship, and it's been over a year. People have their own times from bouncing back, but as a mother I feel uneasy with any other guy being around my daughter, still do. I also want to focus more on my faith and learning to provide for my daughter singularly.
It's easy to fall into the "seeking love" trap, because having someone love you when you hate yourself helps you feel good. But do you really want the only form of self love you have to be from someone else? This also comes with dependence which I mention further down.
*cures naivety
KNOW YOURSELF:
You gotta know your self worth and focus on you and cry. You gotta embrace the sad feelings and the loneliness until you realize you are not lonely and that you are content with yourself. It hurts. You feel pathetic. You might cry because you're still pathetic 6 months later. You will hate yourself, and that's ok, because you learn that YOU are awesome. And that's all that really matters. You don't need anyone's approval to be you. You don't need anyone to be impressed. You don't need compliments.
You may not trust yourself when you say "I AM WORTHY AND I APPROVE!" at first, but eventually, when you see how many people really do like you for you without you trying (cause let's face it, right now you're a miserable slob), you will come to see that it's true. Just because some people turn away from you and don't see your worth, doesn't mean you don't have any worth at all. Ignore the haters and love the lovers!
*cures self hate
DON'T DEPEND ON OTHER'S FOR HAPPINESS:
Attaching feelings to people is never good. You are not the center of anyone's universe except yours. No one is obligated to feel bad an give you grievance. You are not entitled no matter how much pain you have suffered through. I know you feel like you deserve happiness and deserve love, but that is not your call. You cannot make people do anything. It's out of your control and will ultimately lead to disappointment. You gotta fight this battle on your own and what gifts of love you receive should be taken with thankfulness. Love is a gift from God. Don't seek it out, but don't turn a blind eye when it comes.
*cures arrogance
FEELINGS ARE TEMPORARY:
It's human nature to want people to like you, and it throws us off course when someone doesn't love us, especially when you have loved yourself. This person, so close to you, doesn't love you like they said they did. They left you in a terrible situation called heartbreak, while you loved them, and now hate yourself, because something must be wrong with you, right? The funny thing is, it's ok to love them still (you don't have to hate someone just because they don't return the same passionate feelings) and it's ok to continue loving yourself. Loving yourself, again, is hard during this situation. During your journey to love and accept yourself again, don't try to force your ex to remember and catch feelings again. Feelings are temporary and their isn't anything to prove from them loving you, especially if you have to continually make sure they still do. It's not very loving to make someone a slave to their feelings, just as you hate being a slave to yours. It's not their fault you have feelings, so don't get angry at them for not returning them. They didn't cause you to have feelings (unless you're in a narcissistic relationship, which is filled with emotional abuse, which is exactly what needs to be avoided) so just calm down. Remember your feelings will fade with distance and time. They are only temporary.
*cures emotional attachment
The best thing to do is to occupy yourself while you learn to love and acceptyourself.
When my ex and I separated, I was constantly on the go. I wrote my day down to the tee. I had what time I would wake up, shower, eat, dress the baby, bathe the baby, do laundry, etc...it was all written and I challenged myself to have it all done on time. I went places. I hung out with friends. If I had an urge to text, I texted someone else or no one at all.
It wasn't easy. I had to focus my time 100%, because if not, I was texting him. If I drank a little too much, I was texting him. So I had to focus. And I failed multiple times. Like you will.
I even got Tinder, and never talk to anyone more than a few minutes and deleted the app multiple times as I struggled with my self worth. Do I really have to stoop that low?
Focus on you you you. And if you have a kid, focus on you and your baby/ies! You have this. You got this in your palm. There is a reason it's just you now (and please don't blame yourself-but you will). You can now look at everything and find pieces of you that you missed out on and pieces of you that still need to be put together. You got this whole world now! God bless!
