Mikayla.Rose316

So you're feeling a bit lonely since the breakup, are you? You crave the warmth of your ex's body snuggled against yours. You want to watch that Netflix show only if they can watch it with you. You want to prove you are completely capable of moving on and living without them, so you take up yoga and running, but most days you look like crap and are in bed crying your eyes out. You have binged watched the only Netflix shows that don't remind you of them. You are blowing up your friends' phone with "PLEASE COME BE WITH ME" but they have lives and can't. So you do the thing you are not supposed to do. YOU MESSAGE YOUR EX. -que horror music-

One scenario that can come of this is that maybe your ex is feeling lonely too and you end up in bed crying together and maybe work things out. Or maybe even after all the crying and breakup sex you are stuck regretting your actions because your ex just wanted some and you let him get it.

Another scenario....NO WORD FROM YOUR EX and now you're regretful and delete that number (even though it's memorized) and throw your phone to check it five hours later hoping maybe they were just busy only for days to go by without any word.

WHAT TO DO: and it's not easy

More than likely, after a breakup, one of you is going to move on more quickly. It obviously wasn't you if you're reading this.


ACCEPT YOUR NEW LIFE:
The hard part is accepting the new you. I know as a Catholic woman, I feel hopelessness. I have a desire to be a mother, have a husband, and be a wife. I have a high standards for the man I want, but I feel as if I will never obtain that now as a single mother. This want for a family lead me to make bad decisions, such as going back and hoping that things could workout, only to find that they won't. But the future looks rocky and hopeless. And the only thing I can do to keep my integrity is to keep walking the road God paved for me. This is my place, and God will provide. I have accepted that I am a single mother, my family isn't perfect, and that I don't know for a fact that my future is really as fated as I have imagined.
Apart from my personal jeopardies, everyone's breakups and experiences are different. Not one of us can equally relate to each other's pain. But acceptance is always the best start, along with not worrying about the future. You will find someone else if that's what you want. You will be amazing on your own. You will be fine no matter how the future turns out. (My constant pep talk)

*cures the fear of uncertainty

DON'T REBOUND (without honesty):
Another thing is to not go running to other guys to distract yourself. If you are planning on choosing this course, do remember that no relationship can thrive off another. The energy fueling rebound partners is usually resentment and anger towards an ex. Guilt will kick in once you realize that this person is actually great...and this person could learn to resent you as well, knowing full well they are a rebound, and therefore will have little want to be faithful or take the relationship seriously. So don't be hurt when the relationship ends in tears or doesn't last very long. This can only cause more self hate and hurt.
If you seriously like someone, then give yourself time to grow before jumping into anything. I personally didn't date or try. I did like a guy, but luckily he rejected me because, now that my head is a bit more strait, I'm SOOOO not ready to be in a relationship, and it's been over a year. People have their own times from bouncing back, but as a mother I feel uneasy with any other guy being around my daughter, still do. I also want to focus more on my faith and learning to provide for my daughter singularly.
It's easy to fall into the "seeking love" trap, because having someone love you when you hate yourself helps you feel good. But do you really want the only form of self love you have to be from someone else? This also comes with dependence which I mention further down. 

*cures naivety

KNOW YOURSELF:
You gotta know your self worth and focus on you and cry. You gotta embrace the sad feelings and the loneliness until you realize you are not lonely and that you are content with yourself. It hurts. You feel pathetic. You might cry because you're still pathetic 6 months later. You will hate yourself, and that's ok, because you learn that YOU are awesome. And that's all that really matters. You don't need anyone's approval to be you. You don't need anyone to be impressed. You don't need compliments.
You may not trust yourself when you say "I AM WORTHY AND I APPROVE!" at first, but eventually, when you see how many people really do like you for you without you trying (cause let's face it, right now you're a miserable slob), you will come to see that it's true. Just because some people turn away from you and don't see your worth, doesn't mean you don't have any worth at all. Ignore the haters and love the lovers!

*cures self hate

DON'T DEPEND ON OTHER'S FOR HAPPINESS:
Attaching feelings to people is never good. You are not the center of anyone's universe except yours. No one is obligated to feel bad an give you grievance. You are not entitled no matter how much pain you have suffered through. I know you feel like you deserve happiness and deserve love, but that is not your call. You cannot make people do anything. It's out of your control and will ultimately lead to disappointment. You gotta fight this battle on your own and what gifts of love you receive should be taken with thankfulness. Love is a gift from God. Don't seek it out, but don't turn a blind eye when it comes.

 *cures arrogance

FEELINGS ARE TEMPORARY:
It's human nature to want people to like you, and it throws us off course when someone doesn't love us, especially when you have loved yourself. This person, so close to you, doesn't love you like they said they did. They left you in a terrible situation called heartbreak, while you loved them, and now hate yourself, because something must be wrong with you, right? The funny thing is, it's ok to love them still (you don't have to hate someone just because they don't return the same passionate feelings) and it's ok to continue loving yourself. Loving yourself, again, is hard during this situation. During your journey to love and accept yourself again, don't try to force your ex to remember and catch feelings again. Feelings are temporary and their isn't anything to prove from them loving you, especially if you have to continually make sure they still do. It's not very loving to make someone a slave to their feelings, just as you hate being a slave to yours. It's not their fault you have feelings, so don't get angry at them for not returning them. They didn't cause you to have feelings (unless you're in a narcissistic relationship, which is filled with emotional abuse, which is exactly what needs to be avoided) so just calm down. Remember your feelings will fade with distance and time. They are only temporary.

*cures emotional attachment

The best thing to do is to occupy yourself while you learn to love and acceptyourself.
When my ex and I separated, I was constantly on the go. I wrote my day down to the tee. I had what time I would wake up, shower, eat, dress the baby, bathe the baby, do laundry, etc...it was all written and I challenged myself to have it all done on time. I went places. I hung out with friends. If I had an urge to text, I texted someone else or no one at all.
It wasn't easy. I had to focus my time 100%, because if not, I was texting him. If I drank a little too much, I was texting him. So I had to focus. And I failed multiple times. Like you will.
I even got Tinder, and never talk to anyone more than a few minutes and deleted the app multiple times as I struggled with my self worth. Do I really have to stoop that low?
Focus on you you you. And if you have a kid, focus on you and your baby/ies! You have this. You got this in your palm. There is a reason it's just you now (and please don't blame yourself-but you will). You can now look at everything and find pieces of you that you missed out on and pieces of you that still need to be put together. You got this whole world now! God bless!

I have all these pending post I have been writing but I'm so afraid to post them. I'm afraid it's too personal or too...much? I don't know. I know talking about these silly little life things can get a bit boring because people can relate on a very boring level. People would rather like to relate on a very dramatic level. Things that push our buttons or tickle our fancies...or give us juice on the latest gossip.
I actually don't enjoy gossip.
Or providing material for gossip.
I'm no saint. But private matters are usually between me and my close friends.
And I may be naive enough to trust people way more than I should.

Anyways, this all has to deal with the fact that I don't know if I should post the things I have written. 

If you didn't notice, I disappeared for the month of June. I was in summer school and all I could think about was trig and stats. I learned so much Greek, you guys, and talk about ROUGH nightmares-I woke up at least once every night multiplying and doing formulas or repeating the Unit Circle (which I constantly called the Unit Square in class like the idiot I am. Sighhhhhhhhh)

Since I'm at work at the momento...
This post will simply be an update.

I joined a Mom's group. I joined a Bible study group. I made a B in Statistics. I read almost two books. Watched a show. Made new friends. And I feel like I progressed as a human being in a lot of ways. I think it's fair to say, June grew me.

I don't know what I made in Trig yet because grades have not been posted and our teacher was not nice enough to give us our grade. 😫 I'm worried. Like REALLY worried. I know some people may saw "You made a B in Stats! You have nothing to worry about!" but yo...Trig was tough. I sorta regret having to have to take it in the summer (this wasn't my fault entirely, but had I done better at ULM back in 2011, this wouldn't have had to be an issue).

The book I read was "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson.

This book was amazing! I read it in a week. It had a nice and easy flow, and he pretty much told you everything you needed to know without being complicated or talking like a know-it-all or a philosophical guru.

A snippet of information the book taught is....
We all have values (good and/or bad) and these values are what set off our emotions. Normally when someone goes against one of our values we get huffy and puffy and blame the other person for not following our value...but not everyone has the same values. What we need to do is assess these values and figure out why we have certain ones and get rid of the bad ones.

Pretty simple.

I'll talk more about it later because I found this to be a very good topic for discussion.

I bet you're wondering "Mikaylaeras, if you were in school for 6 hours a day and worked and study and was a momma, how on earth did you have the free time to read and watch stuff and join church groups?"
Maybe you're not wondering, but I am..

Honestly, I have no clue how I toggled it all. Maybe it's because I limited myself to only 3 outside friends the whole month of June. And I only interacted with them maybe once a week. I also watched and read in spurts. I did the whole a-little-before-class and a-little-before-bed and somehow I was able to accumulate much unnecessary progress. I'm proud of myself for making it. Talk about a heckova month.

There are a couple of things that I think I'll write about soon. Be patient with me. I'm still getting over June: catching up with friends and family. Getting out of school on a holiday weekend made having me time not possible. I haven't been home home in SOO long. I cannot wait to just watch netflix all on my own, not worrying about being a mommy or grades and just PJing the day away...until I lose my mind from not moving enough and go for a run. Hehe

edit* I made a C in trig and I'm SUPER proud of it!

Summer school is 4 days away. I'm kinda excited to be overly busy but at the same time, this break has been pretty nice. After thinking long and hard I decided to take Trig and Stats at the same time over the summer so I don't have to worry about taking Stats with Chem and Cal. Doing this also put me ahead of the game and I should be graduated from Delta by spring! Holy cow! That was quick! I just have to be sure to be super studious and pass everything! *pressure*

I also got a new phone. This happened yesterday. This happened because my stupid iPhone broke. I didn't even have the dang thing a year. It just stopped responding to touch. Completely. And it's possessed. Like it does this thing where it decides what I'll be clicking on and looking at and what apps I'll be using and when I'm using my camera. Like how does it even get that bad!? I paid so much for that phone to not have it a year. Like for real. I even fixed it once for it to brake like 2 weeks later. SOOO, I wanted to get another iPhone but Mother (who thankfully allows me on her family plan) said if I get a new phone it must be paid in full and I must also pay off my iPhone completely. I can't argue with that, she wants to knock her bill down, word. So I paid the last bit on it (not very much because I paid most of it off already), kissed my iWatch farewell, as I can't use it anymore, and bought an unlock phone. A phone 300 bucks cheaper than the iPhone. The Sony Xperia A1. BUM BUM BUM!

So far I really like it. Granted, it's only been a day. But I fixed it up to be customized to my liking and I'm actually very impressed with everything. It has a 23mp camera which is SUPER impressive. I don't really get the kinks of it yet, but I love the Xeperia experience so far. It's weird having a phone I can make custom to me. I still miss my watch though. I dunno if I wanna sell it or wait and see if I will eventually get the money to get another iPhone again one day. I'm sure by then my watch won't even sync to the newer iPhones. Oh Apple. I've had 3 new phones in this past year. It's kinda terrible. I think I should've stuck with my blackberry. It was classic (blackberry joke). Hopefully this Sony works. I've always wanted a Sony phone since the Walkman was a thing. It was my favorite phone ever. The only phone that took great pictures, had decent audio, and texting was good. It also slid and looked cool and fit in a pocket beautifully. Good ol' keyboard days. I have a feeling I will fall absolutely in love with this phone and I will continue with the Sony series from here on out. Good thing now is...that can be whenever I feel like it since I don't have a contract! WOOT WOOT!

One of my coworkers wrote to in the contest Letters About Literature and wrote this amazing letter to the author she chose to write to. Her letter was super inspirational and really touches me in areas. I dunno if I cried out of joy for her or if I cried because I could empathize with the pain she felt and the break through she had. Or all of it!

I love how she says that she was able to see she could be all the things that made her amazing at once without having to be accepted by others. She was able to overcome the feeling of guilty and letting others down for not being what they needed her to be and to just grow so much from it. It's amazing that the books touched her so much. This is pure proof that books can have an amazing effect on people. That people have a major effect on people. It also shows that one person's talent to write and persevere through writing a series helped another feel free. Now this girl's words will be read by not only the author but by so many other people and it will touch them like it touched me. It's a chain effect. A beautiful one at that.

I know my last post was a bit vague and short, but I was limited on time. I didn't realize I was limited until last minute. I mentioned how I was hungry...a friend called me up and invited me out to eat as soon as that sentence happened. Who can blame me for pressing post and running out the door? When I got back I had to adult (do laundry to make up the bed so my daughter and I could go to bed).

Now that I'm out of school and have some incredible down time until Summer Session begins, I decided to write a little and work on this blog a bit more.

Ok, so Saturday was kinda insane and amazing. I mentioned three of my best friends graduating. I was going to add a picture to the post of two of them, but I'm still working out some kinks with that (mostly, I'm too lazy to just email pictures to myself...I'm trying to link them instead). I love that they all graduated at one time, so now I have no more graduations to go to until mine. Jen and Tyler started at ULM at the same time and both took breaks at different times. They graduated together (with me) in high school, and now they graduated from the SAME COLLEGE at the SAME TIME. It's fate.

I felt chills as I stood there and watched everyone graduate. Something about large crowds like that make me incredibly happy. I tear up. This even happens at 4th of July events and such...it's sorta embarrassing. I just love seeing everyone gathered together celebrating significant things. Like, we're all thinking in unity and happy for each other. It's overwhelming, that amount of joy in one location.

Enough being a sentimental baby...

I was only able to find two of the three after everyone was outside of the coliseum, which was Jen and Tyler. I was so happy for them. I can't say it enough.

Afterwards, I went to Jen's party. There, I had some orchada (excuse my spelling) and flan. Oh and the most amazing main course ever! It was all pretty fun. Jen's husband and I raced up his parents backyard wall. I got slightly injured on the way up and humbly took second place. Mitch received a slightly worse injury than me. That is a nice lesson...sometimes being the best means getting hurt the most. Maybe that can be placed in some perspective...hmmm?

Anywhowhatassss....I have a ton more to talk about, but I need to learn to open up a bit more for you, my readers. I get a bit cautious with the real feels.

I passed my math final with a 93! And my professor gave me 10 bonus points to bump my overall grade to a B! That's the best thing ever! I was so sure I would have a C for the class. YAY! 😺

3 of my best friends graduated college this weekend! I was so excited for them it was unreal. I can't imagine how that must feel! It's weird to think that I could've been down there had I continued with school when I started in 2011. But I wouldn't have been as headstrong as I am now.

I'm hungry as heck right now so I think I'm going to eat.

I watched a YouTube video by Charisma on Command called 4 Simple Questions to Find Your Passion.
I love this channel so much and I recommend everyone to check out their videos because they are very helpful, especially if you're socially awkward like me.

I pretty much knew head on what my passions are but I decided to give it a go and see if maybe I have a hidden passion somewhere.

The answers to these questions for me are

1. God
2. Meteorology/weather related topics
3. The Paranormal
4. Talking to people I look up too
5. Self Motivation

I have five. Five things that keep me up at night and are on my mind more than anything. I go through cycles of which orders they come in. I always try to keep God first though. Keyword being try... decisions get hard when you have books about "Essentials of Meteorology" or "Rediscover Jesus" to choose from... It's shameful, I know, but we all know how it is...

Anyways, this has inspired me to write all about my 5 passions. I will tell you why I love them. Because why not! Being passionate about something is amazing. It's a lot of the reason why we connect with certain friends and reach out to certain leaders. Our passions can drive us, and we should take the time to analyze them, because passions can destroy as much as make you grow. For example...I'm quite passionate about the paranormal, but I would never gamble to deep into it or try to make a career out of it. Luckily, meteorology is a huge passion that can lead me somewhere great, so that's the career option I've chosen. I would say the paranormal and talking to people I look up to are my most destructive passions. The other 3 are very positive and help me grow. Talking to poeple I look up to can help me grow too but not when I look like an eager little puppy trying to smother them in fan-girl love.... 😞 At least God likes it....

What are you guys passionate about? Do you think your passions are pushing you in the right direction? Are you good at your passion? Do you think your passions are destructive? Do you think there's a good balance? QUESTIONS!

I'm feeling a bit interactive today.

For a couple of weeks I was feeling a bit down, but here in the past week I have suddenly become hyper aware of feeling good. Like I said in the last post, your happiness comes from within, not from without. Did I say that? I think I said something similar anyways.

I've been feeling self amused. VERY self amused. I've been redirecting everything to be my fault, but my fault in a positive way. I've been also thinking a lot more before immediately opening my mouth. I also deleted all access to social media on my phone (only I recently got instagram back because I have a friend that I love to support on there, plus the story thing is very good for self amusement.)

I honestly never even look at my likes or anything. This is something I've become proud of lately. See, before, I used to care SOO MUCH about how many likes and stuff I received on social media. I remember feeling so dang terrible when I got no more than 3 likes on certain things. Things I thought were very likable. It made me feel a bit inadequate to the norms of life. Maybe my taste was a little bland or maybe a little too exotic. Either way, I began to learn to dislike myself all because I based how MY likes are not much to be valued in other's eyes.

I found this to be a problem...a problem I tended to overlook. And it went on for awhile. I eventually got this app called snapchat...I hated this app before I downloaded it for many personal reasons, but I did it to be connected to a certain friend. I began to actually enjoy the filters and the way the camera made my face seem so much prettier than before. But I also began noticing more flaws about myself. My nose is a bit crooked and my left eye is a bit sloppy and what's up with my eyebrows? I started wearing far more makeup than usual and tweaking these areas I didn't notice to be as much of a problem as before...I even took these problems into account when it came to taking regular photos. I didn't enjoy when people took photos of me. But I did start to make a habit of positioning my face just right for a photo. So...I did start to look a little better in pictures.

In the end, I was so fed up with caring about all these stupid things that make me feel so ugly and undervalued. Of course these apps weren't the only contributing factors, I was already having a terrible time with myself and loving myself and forgiving myself because this past year made me fall into a hurtling depression that I fought hard to overcome EVERYDAY. Talk about exhausting...
I would say things to myself like "I am annoying" "no one actually likes me" "I am simple and uninteresting" "I am the reason everything failed" "I am broken" "I can never recover from this" etc. I cried almost every night.
And to feel better I would write all the things I'm grateful for, hang around the people I who made me feel positive, took up a lot of exercising, getting more involved in my hobbies and interest, and taking pictures of everything that made me happy.

Then, back in March, it hit me. I needed to get my crap together and I needed to do it in the most cold turkey way possible. I deleted contacts from snapchat so I had no reason to get back on. I deleted snapchat from my phone.
I deleted Facebook and only get on with my laptop to look at notifications to keep up with my close friends and look at the first couple of post which I personalized to be God related and inspirational quotes.
I deleted Tumblr.
I focused Twitter only on meteorology to stay up-to-date on latest weather stuff.
I deleted instagram to get rid of the need to post pictures. Only I got that one back after I became super un-addicted to social media. I got it back because I love sharing pictures that make me happy and interacting with my friends on there. I think of it more of a self amusement platform with friends more than a social platform. It's like all the social media platforms in one but you can choose your favorite parts. For me, that's posting pictures of what I love and being crazy on my story with my BFFs. Because it's about me enjoying my life and friends. Not anyone else.

And I've become far happier without any of the rest. I feel a far less need to be accepted because I notice everyone else around me and focus on God, me, my interest, and my friends. The things that make me happy. And more importantly, I look in the mirror and say "You are amazing and your friends love you" "You live a fulfilling life just right for you" "You don't need to change" "You didn't do anything wrong, the situation wasn't right" "You are forgiven".

Even this blog is because I've always wanted to do a public blog but cared so much that people would not care about what I have to say. Now I don't care if anyone likes it or reads it, and I post my thoughts publicly, and I feel good about it. I like doing this!

I have a 60 day challenge ahead of me. July 1st is the day the challenge ends. So what is this challenge you ask? It's a secret 😼
Just kidding. 😸
Or am I?😼
Oh, yeah...I discovered a cat face. Bahaha!
Sigh...Here's my post...😪 (gonna go back on all my post and add smilies hehe)


April 30th

Hey it's me. Your friendly neighborhood Mikayla. I decided to go for a nice sundown walk in the brisk evening air that finally arrived this afternoon, springs last cold spell. 
Before a began this walk I looked depressingly along the street I live on and sighed knowing this walk has gotten a bit monotonous. The trees are far greener than usual and birds are chirping and the sky is blue. The air smells fresh as if renewed from the thunderstorm last night. I would much rather take my walk elsewhere...at least somewhere with sidewalks...
But alas, I cannot go anywhere alone so close to sundown and having some company wouldn't be so bad.
I text my fellow companions to see who is available.
Companions who have all recently been given the gift of love in a significant other... I roll my eyes already knowing the answer from everyone.
This isn't something to be upset about, if I had a significant other I wouldn't want to spend my evening off walking with some single chick. And inviting my significant other along would only cause the most dreadful third wheel syndrome to the inviter. Besides, the further I think about, the more I want this to be a quiet walk with almost no meaning to it and no outcome to it. Just a quiet not so lonely walk.
I immediately contemplate that boy of which I have an interest in only to contemplate further if I want him to have an interest in me yet only to sigh and note that I do not want an intimate walk. I only want a brisk, not so lonely, walk.
So, I put away my phone and look at my monotonous path once again.
I could go alone to one of the locations that provide a much better atmosphere, but I'm a female and there tends to be a precautionary notion in the back of my mind saying "go alone and get kidnapped, drugged, and raped."
So I look back at my monotonous path yet again and begin taking steps. Maybe this is for me to grow closer to God and contemplate. And so...I walk alone. 

Now I'm not one to be bothered by loneliness. There's nothing like watching YouTube videos and reading up on interest and having quiet time in prayer, but lately I've been having a hard time in certain areas of my life and would love some good company. Not intimate. Not dramatic. Just peaceful. 
I want to not talk about things, I want to just walk in the company of another and know we are happily content as is. Taking in everything in our environment and embracing its beauty. The mere thought of sharing such an experience makes me smile at the dream. Being perfectly happy with everything God has given us and everything that is being given. Not dwelling on the hardships, just recognizing the journey. 
This comforting feeling reminding each other we are fine, and we are all the same. And God has got our backs.


After this walk I realized a lot about myself. The things I have a hard time with lay within and are easily forgiven and brought to peace. We don't tend to look at our problems as minute in the moment, but with a little time with God you can definitely see that in the face of hopelessness and worry you are healed and the little things shouldn't bother you if they continue to. You should just be able to say "life is an experience" and be happy you get to enjoy the parts God brings you. It makes us individual and gives us all different stories.

It's kinda fun seeing what will happen next. Just remember to make decisions that God would approve of. Making the right decisions will make you happy even if they seem disastrous at the time!

This is easy to say but life is no walk in the park and its SUPER EASY to get caught up in emotions. Just remember to take a breath. The only thing keeping you from breathing is, not your anxiety, not your teacher, not your family, not your mother in law, but you. ✌💗

Today, I gave a pretty decent speech on the difference between storm spotting and storm chasing and how becoming a Skywarn Trained Spotter can help save lives. My audience seemed pretty impressed and I felt relaxed and comfortable other than the uncontrollable shaking... Why you gotta do that, body? I wasn't even nervous mentally...just physically...😥I thought your mind can trick you!?

During math class I worked out problems and helped a few students learn things forgotten from the beginning of the year. By the end all my classmates were talking about how they would, in fact, be sitting around me during the final. I couldn't help but laugh because I am not very good at algebra, but I loved helping my mates out. It made me feel so much more confident in my ability for the final. Just got to make a C or higher. Shooting for an A though. Oh, I made an A on my last test! 3 As and 1 F is equal too a high C in my book. Dumb Synthetic division had me like poop on that second test. Anyways, As I was leaving one classmate was chanting "I will pass this class, I will pass this class" I stopped him and said "No...you say 'I have passed this class' you just have to take the last test." He was like "Oh! That's amazing! You're pulling the Secret out!"  I nearly DIED that actually understood what I was getting at! 😮No one ever get's my documentary references! Holly crap, man.

I finished my Lit paper in Lit class which means I can totally do the final now and email it to myself and turn it in immediately on Monday. Thinking ahead like a soldja...😉

This means I have one more speech to write, and a ton of studying for Geology and Math. I could write my speech NOW if I would get off my lazy at-work bum. I should write it here at work regardless of work duties, because school is far more of a priority. Geology is everything from the semester and I need an A to keep an A. You think it would be easy....But for some dang reason her test are hard. I'm actually thinking about reading the chapters....OR SOMETHING......😩

Anyways...finals week got me like "bout time" 😤and I'm so ready for it to be over.


WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON MIASKEALA?🙎

Well, a lot actually!!😃 Most of everything is slightly personal but I would love to get intellectual up in here. Because sometimes we need to think.🤔 In other words, I'm not going to speak about my personal life but I'm going to talk about a deeper more spiritual level of personal. For some reason that sounds ghostly...👻

This is going to be funny because lately I've been obsessed with OCD.😹

The reason I'm talking about this interesting fact about myself is because people don't really know what OCD is all about, nor do people realize how much OCD affects the lives of those who, I won't say suffer from, but who have it.

I have OCD.

No...stop...no...I do not wash my hands a million times or keep things orderly. My OCD is completely different. Although, depending on certain circumstances I may fall into those compulsions. Most of my it takes place in my noggin. I don't always realize what I'm doing is a compulsion, and sometimes when I do realize them, I feel like a failure. Which happens to be part of this whole shendig.

A book I'm reading about a girl who has the same OCD as me actually quoted it just right. So here is what she stated.

"I'm more obsessive than compulsive, so most of of the 'disorder' takes place in my own head. That makes it pretty easy to hide. No one knows. But I obsess about a lot of things, like guys and my friends and totally random stuff....I sort of latch on to a thought and I can't let it go. Sometimes the thoughts come rapid-fire and cause an anxiety attack."

You: all that seems normal Mikaylasha

I wouldn't know what you would actually say because I have OCD so all that is pretty much normal to me anyways. But maybe I should explain further.
These thoughts can affect my life and relationships.

Gosh, I remember the last major OCD attack I had was a few years ago. I actually feel crazy talking about it, but I cried EVERYDAY and had major panic attacks. It took me awhile to bounce back and let the thought go. It took a life changing event to let it go. My little rituals or compulsions to make sure this doesn't happen again include covering up certain words, not touching items with these words, not watch movies or shows with these words.
WORDS
So, can you imagine how weird that is to suddenly drop all those type of things because of a thought I obsessed over a few years ago. To me, it's the only way to keep it away.

That, my dear readers, is only ONE of many OCD rituals I have.

A lot of my OCD cause personality quirks. And I like to think of them as quirks.
I don't like physical touch unless it's truly intimate and I feel a deep connection, otherwise I WILL wash my hands a million times and feel disgusting all day, of course this is for hand holding. Hugging has less of that effect unless skin touches, and I have NO idea why. So if I don't hug you or go out of my way to avoid your fingers...just know it's so I don't end up washing up more than I need too, it is exhausting to feel like I need to wash my hands all day and take two showers, and still feel gross afterwards.
I have an overly high need to explain EVERYTHING....some laugh, some get annoyed...just know it's something I feel like I have to do or I'll go crazy and have a panic attack.
I am VERY morally concerned. I will stay away from most anything that makes me feel morally and ethically objective toward myself or I will lose me.
I tend to stay away from sharp and blunt objects and certain subjects.
I can be quite superstitious.
I am a perfectionist to the point that I'm very hard on myself.
I do tons of checking to make sure everything is ok.
ETC.....!!!!!!! UGHGHUGHHGH

So, yeah, basically my life revolves around this crap.

I can be quite frustrating to be around and have a relationship with.

So I would like to let everyone know, OCD is for real a problem for those who have it. It is unfathomable to people who don't have it. A thought is a thought, and that's all it is, but for us with OCD a thought is more than a thought. The thought has control. A mantra we often say over and over again to ourselves "I am in control. It's just a thought." Medicine cannot heal it, it's a way of thinking. Changing someones way of thinking is not easily done.

If you know someone with OCD or maybe who have similar actions, don't ridicule them, they're already having a hard time with themselves, they don't need someone else to bring them down.

I've learned to accept it for the most part. And my friends and family have to accept it too. It's a part of who I am. I've worked hard to make sure I have control over it, because ultimately I am in control, these thoughts don't always hinder me. I feel an overwhelming sense of pride when I show a thought who's boss. I have a very mild case of OCD and sometimes I forget it's there. But in situations where I'm awfully stressed...OCD *ominous music plays*
I've been highly stressed this whole past year. I decided to obsess over OCD itself just to learn more about it and find other ways to cope.

Ways to cope include staying busy and focused on task at hand. For me it's writing and crafting and reading and schooling and youtube. My daughter helps a lot too.

In any case, this is temporary for some people, and maybe once these hard times are over....maybe I'll never worry about it again

More information:

See what happens in the brain of someone with OCD

http://designedthinking.com/ocd/signs-of-ocd/

 http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/obsessivecompulsivedisorder.aspx

checkout books or google more. 

Don't you just hate that title? Isn't that just the worst? You may immediately feel guilty or may immediately feel curious because there is no way you're guilty...right?

This talk is about cheaters, for cheaters.

Listen, cheating is a huge deal that A LOT OF PEOPLE DO.
A LOT. Like seriously, a lot. I have met more couples who have adultery problems than couples who don't, it's actually rare that they don't. And for some reason we always seem surprised when we find out someone has committed this act. Why? Because that person is someone we're supposed to trust, are trusting (or not depending on how the situation currently is), and will always need to trust.

When you're on a team, do you go to the other team and say "hey, these are our plans." NO! You don't. Because that's crazy. Yet this is something that many people do. Why you being mean to your teammate people? If you wanna jump to a new partner every few weeks then date around and just be single, dagom it. It's truly not that hard. And if breaking up is an issue...GET OVER IT. Break ups suck. That will never change. Just be all "I want to see other people, you were great (or weren't) and I would like to try and be friends but I understand if you don't want to. Thank you for letting me have this time with you."
BAM! Done. Just don't add "right now" or "maybe in the future" crap because that's called "LEADING SOMEONE ON". You don't want to do that neither. Seriously, false hope is agonizing for both parties. And if this person you broke up with says "no" to being friends afterwards, then they either weren't interested in a friendship ever...which kudos to you, you are now 100% free from someone you didn't want to date and someone who didn't want to be your friend....or they need time to heal because they super liked you a bunch, and they deserve that space because its unhealthy for both of you to just ignore those feelings.
Also, never apologize for your feelings. THIS IS FOR EVERYONE. Your feelings are yours and you shouldn't have to ever apologize for feeling a certain way. EVER. It's your life, embrace your feelings and share them with confidence. That's attractive. Just don't be whiney if you do.

Maybe you're one of those people who just really like the thrill cheating brings.

You: "MUAHAAHAA I have a secret that no one knows and I'm a master of deception, FEAR ME!"

Calm down you. No one thinks you're a master of deception and you are honestly just pissing people off. It's not cool to be hateful. It's not cool to be a player. Drama is not cool. But you will probably always feel awesome doing this and nothing I say is going to change how you feel about playing the situation. Just know that you're incredibly lonely, want love, and are destroying all the relationships in your life and will always feel lonely and no one will trust you. I feel bad for you. I'll pray for you. But the first step is accepting you are a loser and need help and need change. Therapy- my dear narcissistic friend. Then you will feel the love you deserve.

WHY YOU TALKING ABOUT DIS MAKYLAKA?

If you want to read, highlight this wide open gap/space.

Because I was reconnecting with someone I knew from a few years ago that I found out was more than single and talking to countless other females and I think that's BS. This guy and I were not talking for intent (at least I wasn't) but his girlfriend and I talked this morning, a very civil conversation, and I decided that this guy is 100% a jerk/butt/a-whole.

Along with this I found rumors about myself that I was unaware were floating around. If you have heard rumors about me, please disregard. I'm sure it's old high school BS, but that's all it was. #HSBS (high school BS). 

Another thing, I don't like to associate with Cheater McCheatfaces. I don't care how close of friends we are, I'm not afraid to chew someone out about cheating, or drop someone for doing it. It may not be my business, I don't care. I will not tolerate it.

Hehe

I'm at a very comfortable weight but I'm also borderline to weight I dislike and a weight I want to be at. I'm 123lbs and with food I am typically at 125lbs. My ideal weight would be between 110-120. As you can see, I don't have much to lose.

I'm fairly active, but I don't tend to watch my calories, and some days I don't even move. I run, I do light cardio from time to time if I can find the time between school, work, and being a caring mother, along with doing other things I absolutely love to do...like watch YouTube.

Like I said in my other post, I'm not and never have been very athletic. So, I'm going to stick to running and maybe get a bit tougher on myself with cardio workouts.

My goal here is to cut down on my calories, boost metabolism, and run daily.

To cut down on calories is kinda scary. You can easily mess up your metabolism and slow it down if you aren't doing things right. It's easy to get off track with this balance if you aren't careful. I'm going to also stress that the amount of calories and how you eat to get to your goal weight is supposed to be a life change. Not temporary. Working on your body and health is a daily practice. Don't think you get a free day just because you hit your goal. You have to remember that old habits can come crawling back, so make a new one for life and eventually it won't feel like torture, it'll just be how it is.


This Is My Routine: No one has to do this, it's simply for me.

So to do this I'm going to eat as soon as I feel hungry in the morning. I don't typically get hungry first thing when I wake up, with the exception of a few mornings, and I don't like to eat until I feel my metabolism burning calories. I like to think of this a hunter/gatherer approach, which sounds kinda ridiculous, but bare with me. When our ancestors woke up in the morning they didn't just pour a bowl of cereal and eat. Most of the time they would go out and find food and have it prepared by lunch, likely eating whatever little snacks they had on hand from the day before, food that was easily carried around for hunting and gathering. This might be a super false, but it's a concept I like to go back. I have no real credentials here. I snack in the mornings on maybe some berries or something light and cook lunch as a bigger meal, my first meal of the day...which is still called breakfast for me because it's the first meal of the day. I'm not skipping breakfast, I'm just not eating immediately upon waking up.

What I do in this time period before breakfast is I go for a run on an empty stomach. I run a mile. Running a mile is 10-15 minutes of your day so I highly recommend running at least a mile a day. After running I eat something light and drink a small amount of liquid (not any form of soda) and I will shower. This is where things can get tricky.

If I don't have school in the morning I will use this time to begin preparing breakfast. I don't care what I have for breakfast as long as it's decently healthy. I don't care about my portion size at breakfast neither. I simply cook food and eat as much as I want until I'm full. And full is not overwhelming, full is just simply "I'm not hungry anymore".

If I'm going to school or work in the morning I take something easy for my meal. This for me is usually a Cliff Bar or protein bar of some sort, and if I'm really stressed for time, a plant based protein shake (I used to be vegan/vegetarian and part of the ways still linger with me).

approaching lunch.

SNACK! Snack on berries, nuts, pretzels, animal crackers, regular crackers if you're too adult. Listen to me, this is important. NEVER let yourself feel hungry. I'm not saying down a bag of trailmix, I'm saying eat a few pretzels every 30 minutes or so. When you start feeling the hunger feeling, eat a pretzel or whatever snack. Don't eat a lot. Just eat a little. I normally pack a small baggy of berries or something to snack on. You don't want to be full, you just don't want to be hungry.

lunch! Eat a meal. Smaller than breakfast. Try and be sure it's healthier and does not have as many calories as breakfast. You shouldn't even be that hungry, the snacking should make this super easy. Try to space out lunch and breakfast at least 3 to 4 hours. That sounds killer but it's really doable if you snack. Don't make it any long than 4 hours. Seriously, you're not starving yourself. Be sure to get some cardio in at this time. Take the long route to your car or walk to that place down the road or do your cardio workout. Do things the hard way just to burn the calories.

Ok so...usually this is when it gets hard for me. I don't typically feel any hunger at all after lunch and will usually forget about food until it's too late. You have to remember to keep snacking. Snacking is so important gosh darn it! And in that same time span as before eat dinner/supper. Make sure it's tiny! It must be the smallest meal! It's awful because supper is usually shared with family and friends, but it's important to maintain this routine! After dinner it's time to chill out and not eat anymore.
Get in some last minute cardio once that food settles. Don't go crazy and intense, you've got to be prepared for going to sleep so your blood needs to start slowing its roll.

Important reminder * One binging day is not going to kill you, just don't make it a habit. Your body can work through temporary things just like it can heal a wound. DON'T GIVE UP!

Oh yeah! I'm being illegal. That's funny to say because google is acceptable at work. I guess they don't realize how much access that actually gives us. I wonder if this is being monitored. It is after 6, and most full-time people get off at this time. So...

I'm at work. I work at the Library here in this lovely town. I transferred a few months ago to the library in my home town. If you know me then you know where that is, and if you don't you'll just have to live in assumptions.

I was afraid to transfer here because I was working almost 3 years at the library across town and I was so used to it that I loved the staff and was afraid of having to rebuild bonds in the work place. I actually had a plan while I was pregnant with my daughter that that place would be my final stepping stone and I would make the library my career. I would get my degree in Library Science and be a librarian and succeed my successors. Of course this would be settling. I have this heart for weather but I was willing to give up a dream to make sure my family would have a stable life. The library is a perfect place for someone to work and have a family. It was my coworker who changed my mind. She was all wise and yoda-like asking if I would truly be happy with that decision or if I would regret it later. She told me she could see the fire in my eyes for going back to school for weather.

There's a heck of a lot more to this story...and it's actually the beginning of a lot of change. So moving on...

I am at the library still, and the transfer was a very good thing. It worked perfectly in my favor. I love the new staff I've met. The change was for the better.

~*~

I should mention a few things about last night and my sipping of wine. I actually got a huge tummy ache right after glass one. This is ok. I just passed out listening to Catholic radio instead and slept forever. Yep, I might be becoming too Catholic, what's it to ya?

~*~

There have been really loud children tonight. Screaming and screeching, throwing things. These parents won't pick up the messes...and I'm talking blocks over the place, or quiet their children. Oh, public...the library is not a playground. Now I must pick up after children as if I'm a daycare service. It's not bad, and it gives me something to do, but I do not get paid enough to be a daycare. They get paid so much. Like SO much. That's a business anyone can get rich off of. Unless you're a librarian having to take up the role of daycare...

It's never actually a "new me" it's actually more like..."I had a very powerful moment this weekend and have been enlightened and therefore am changing some of my ways"

I got confirmed into the Catholic Church this past weekend and I feel so wonderful! Journey begins! It was such  great feeling to finally partake in the Eucharist. I had such a good Saturday. I had a good weekend.

I'm drinking wine right now. Just ate sushi too. I don't have Isla tonight and no school! Plus I got the house to myself right now.

It's my night though. So here's too the night! *cheers*

I could talk about a lot but right now I really don't feel like talking about a lot. I think I'm just going to chill and watch youtube all night. Maybe read this book I got because I really need to read. I feel restless though, so I probably won't end up reading. I might read when I wake up in the morning. Then go running. Then go to work. It's nice to feel this small amount of freedom.

I paid for my summer class and I got most of my fall schedule figured out. I'm contemplating not working next semester. That's a big decision. I actually have a lot of big decisions to be thinking about. I'm not really happy with all the decisions I need to make. I've been feeling kinda down about it. Nonetheless, this too shall pass, and I will be right where I need to be!

I'm just so thankful for everything. It's so crazy how much I receive that I sometimes don't notice while it's happening. Then I look back on my day and I'm like "Wow...today was actually pretty cool".

With that-I leave you

*sips wine*

It's Good Friday and I'm using this day to do me! I finally finished that literary analysis paper and I'm back to not feeling like something is hanging over my shoulders! So yay!

I attended Mass yesterday at the most beautiful church in Monroe that I've seen so far. It was so beautiful. The service and the building and the people. They did feet washing and a candle ceremony type thing, and really you just would have had to been there to understand.

Anyways, I'm currently cooking Tuna Helper and about to put on some Netflix and chill with myself (no a weird innuendo) . I'm watching 13 Reasons Why. Trying to keep myself dedicated and watch it. I'm officially school, work, and baby free, so there's a lot I want to do before Monday. I can't believe this semester is almost over! This semester was quite easy compared to last semester, but for some reason I found it to be a bit more annoying. Not because of work, but because of the way I decided to lay my classes out. Next semester I have to go to school all week. I might not work while I do that because that will so strain my relationship with Isla. My daughter needs me and I need to be able to focus on school too. I think I'll be ok being jobless, but I will feel very uncomfortable for sure. It's a tough decision because I really like money but I do like my family and future career even more.

I'm so excited about everything. I feel like I'm really acting on my dream. I have so may thanks to so many friends for keeping me encouraged.

The other day I was playing at the Tech rec center with a couple of friends. Friends who happen to be way more athletic than me. I never grew up playing much sports, other than in P.E. against other kids who were not interested or good enough for sports. I was always the best in me P.E. class because my endurance has always been really high and I have a lot of self motivation. I enjoy being active and staying active. I can't stand days just sitting around doing nothing but eating ice cream and watch Gilmore Girls. Not that that's a bad night...it's just not my preferred night. Actually, that Saturday was exactly the kind of day I would like to have all the time. That was a perfect day for me. I never stopped moving and I was so distracted by the amount of activity that I forgot I'm OCD and that I hadn't eaten all day.
See, I was playing with two people who have had experience in sports and games before. I never had opportunities to be involved in things like this. My friends were mostly art students or bandees. In other words...video games, paint, and instruments, with the occasional skating mixed in. So...sports...I didn't play very much of unless I was at slumber parties with the athletic friends.
In short...I lost every game. I still had a ton of fun just playing. I wasn't concerned so much with how well I was doing more than I was with having a good time with it.
After I got home, I was hit with the sudden down of adrenaline. You know, after you had a rush and you get that down afterwards...I realized I wasn't exactly someone people wanted to play with because I didn't provide a challenge. I wasn't bad, but I definitely wasn't that good. I caught on fast, and I could have some real potential with some practice.But the initial feeling of being that person no one wants to play with because I sucked made me cry. It's so embarrassing being that friend.
How do I get better? My town doesn't provide entertainment like that unless I paid ULM or Tech again. I don't have the money for that though. And am I really that bad, because I thought I did well for someone who hadn't ever been athletic.
I spent the night thinking of the things I am good at. I could name a hundred things that I'm good at, but never one I was GREAT at. And why is that? Why am I not great at anything? Why am I just good enough? Why am I ok with being just good enough? Where am I hiding this potential?

The best thing I can do is not let being just enough bother me and to remember that I had a lot of fun with a couple of really great friends who were willing to help me become better. Even though I don't see my own potential going anywhere doesn't mean it isn't. And surely there are many things I'm great at, it's just my inner perfectionist telling me I'm never good enough.

If anyone is feeling a little down about themselves, like they aren't good enough, I need you to know that we are our own worst critics. And after writing this, I think one thing I'm really great with is staying positive. And that gives me an idea for another blog! Bahaha!

-only I'm supposed to be writing a paper.... tehe

(one post a week...psh...I've already done 3 in 24hrs)

Hey there! So this is my very first blog. Lemme start out by saying that I'm not about to make sure my punctuation, grammar, etc. is all correct. I'm merely here to word vomit you through my extraordinary life.
Is my life extraordinary? Not really. I mostly consider it bland, lacking in free-time and sleep.

Introducing the blogger: I'm Mikayla. I'm 24. I have a daughter. I go to school and I work.

I would add in more detail, but I'm not all about giving myself away. So hows-bout we get to some juicy stuff.

I’ve been busy studying.
I study often.
I finished one paper and got it in today and took the two test I've been dreading. I have one more paper due tomorrow. And I’m now officially on spring break from school. I have to work 2-5 tomorrow and will be on break from work until Monday. YAY! I have to go to the DMV and Toyota Dealership tomorrow to take care of some business. And then I have MASS!
Mass Is what I’m waiting for! I won't talk about that here, but if you're interested, click HERE and read all about my incredible journey in faith. I feel like this is the big change though! The mere beginning of all new things, and the ending of many others.

Ok. Back to the test.
I think I did fairly well on my test. I’m a little scared about the Geology test, because I studied so much for math that I somewhat neglected the geology part of my studying. I’m just so thankful It’s over that I don’t even want to look at my notes to see what I got right vs wrong. I just really hope it’s a high enough score to keep me at an A! I really want an A! It’ll probably be rough though. A lot of the stuff I was like….WHAAAAAAAAA so…..prayers.

Delta is a very nice school. I thought I wouldn't care for it to much when I first began going. It seemed so worn down compared to ULM, but honestly, the atmosphere of the school and the relationship between professors and students and the whole student body in general is pretty remarkable compared to what I experienced at ULM. The fact that it's a smaller school, and just one building, allows for people to know a lot of people. I like that I have multiple friends all over the place, so no matter where I am, there's always someone there that I know, and if not...It's easy to make friends. Everyone is so involved it feels. All the events are fun and everyone enjoys participating. It's almost how high school was only everyone is a lot less stressed out about what everyone is doing. It's just fun. And I really have been enjoying my time there.

As much as I'm enjoying my time, I'm excited to get out of there, because then I know I'm a short distance away from being somewhere I've always wanted to be.

That's all I'm going to say about school right now. It's almost time for work and I got to get this posted. Don't be a stranger to me; leave me some feedback. Talk to me!

One last thing. I plan on writing at least one blog a week if not more. I don't have a real structure to this, but I know it's something I'm going to do. Since I'm putting this on my instagram most of my blogs will be focused on pictures that I post. I really enjoy writing and journalling, and maybe you can enjoy reading my blogs. And don't worry, my blog will look way better once I get some time to really get it started! Like during this break!